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Life has never been same again...

Author: Shardul, Posted on Tuesday, November 22 @ 22:53:51 IST by RxPG  

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Life can never be same again the next moment…. But sometimes it makes me look back and wonder whether it has changed for better or worse… frankly, I don’t know?? May be I’m being too nostalgic … but one thing is sure medical college has changes something in me forever...

Sometimes I just can’t look at the people the way I used to. My attitude towards people has somewhat changed.. I look at Shetty sitting at the canteen counter while sipping my coffee. He is no longer good ol fat fella with a corny sense of humor but he is now just an obese geriatric guy with diabetes. I imagine his heart trying harder every time it beats to deliver blood through those atherosclerotic vessels to his brain with a great business acumen. I imagine fluid dynamics and turbulence created when the blood rushes through his arteries. Just another day I was chatting with an intern in hostel balcony, suddenly he tells me how nice prominent vessel I have and how easier It would be for him to collect the blood. That poor fella is posted in Ob & Gyn. He has to rush early every morning to the ward to collect blood. The next day while returning to hostel in a bus, I suddenly find myself staring at the prominent veins of a portly woman. I imagine myself pushing an angiocath in it…….. Boy sitting next to me has severe acne; his friend sitting next to him has polydactyly. (I try to remember medical significance of poldactyly with no success). Conductor has hammered the bell and bus has started to pick up the speed but this guy comes running and acrobatically jumps onboard. He rushes into the bus only to find a sitt next to me. he is sweating profusely, his chest heaving his heart going tachycardic…. His lungs filling with air. I look out of window to see a middle aged man on walking on footpath with a strange gait, which I cant characterise….. oops what happening man!!??? Instead of imagining people as whole or for that matter imaging them naked, I see them peeled off their SKIN , musle and fascia and mounds of fat only to see all the systems functioning like a fully functioning factory. Understanding how body functions in health and disease at both gross and molecular level gives it a new entirety. Its something like solving a jigsaw puzzle with the help of bits and pieces of knowledge accumulated over a period of medical education. But now I find this profound knowledge disturbing. I want a break!

Having seen all the blood, bones and ugliest of SKIN conditions… I have begun to seek my thrill in same. I sometimes find myself amused at something as deadly and unfortunate as Ebola…. I’ve begun to find my dose of amusement and excitement in miseries of others….

The saddest part is that horror movies are no longer scary…. Oh god I sorely miss being freaked out!! I actually remember the incident when we friends had gone to watch Ring Part I. During the movie at a particular scene when that gal Samara come out of that TV we were actually laughing at the gals seated next to us who let out muffled cries. They gave us a nasty look when they caught us actually laughing at them. These sort of faux pass have now become a regular incidence.

When I entered the hostel I actually hated it when I was being ragged, I was also labeled as most uncooperative junior. I pledged I’ll never rag a junior when only to break the pledge. Now in third year I’m one of the most notorious guys who rag the hell out of their juniors… It sometimes fail to reason why I’m enjoying this… this is not what I used to be.

My handwriting has gone from bad to worse…. i sometimes feel that my memorization power has lessoned since I came here. I’ve become even more lazier sloth. I have acquired a whole new vocabulary of terms to use in hostel. I have learned to eat whatever they serve to me without even question the what I’m eating. The paan shop wallah at the corner knows more about my monthly budget than I do.

I no longer feel same eagerness to go back home when vacations starts…. Now I just love to loaf around hostel. Most of my friends back home r into tech stuff... except a couple of them who r in dental. I now really find it tough to relate with them, some of the guys and gals already have jobs, some have secured placement through campus interviews. A few have gone abroad. One gal has even got married. Nobody understands my schedule. Most of the time when I go home they r busy with their exams at places spread all over country... we have very strange split of semesters and academic years here in MBBS .. they just don’t understand it. I realized that I know little about outside world, than my friends do. They talk about share markets, smart investments, loans and US visas besides hot gossip. I find myself at loss when I find them talk about their tech or management stuff. Then somebody notices me silently listening to them and suddenly bout of pity makes them change the topic of discussion. Since they can’t tell an artery from muscle they generally start with some dumb question like what kind of specialist I’m? They even don’t know that specialization requires a PG degree or diploma; they think doctors also choose their specialties just as they choose theirs during admission. One of them even asked me what does pediatrics mean? And when I tell them what that means they look at me awed, amused or just curious and sometimes plainly bored. They now think me as some snob, who is going to be earning big bucks pretty soon. They expect me to tell them all sanguine tells like worst kind of patients I have seen in casualty or nuttiest patient I encountered during my Psychiatry posting. But when I talk about something which has really amused me they don’t understand anything. I suddenly stop talking when I see dumb looks on their faces.

They tend to think that everyone in medical college has a girlfriend. Engineering guys in particulary being deprived of company of females of the species ask me how many gals I’ve got lucky with? They think that all gals in medical colleges r hot! I just laugh it off. But they think I’m just mocking them. But the fact is that I’m as depraved as they are if not more. But the guys who didn’t go to any professional college just do the job of hanging around some third rate BA Bcom colleges have really got lucky. One of them even got a gal in trouble. These boys generally look at me as some sort of SEX guru. They ask some wonderful prescription to enhance their stamina or build up their muscles. I enjoy them asking me all sort of funny doubts about SEX and STDs and I sometimes really laugh at the misconceptions they have.

Some of them ask my advice for their grandma’s arthritic knee or someone’s youngers sisters acne. Most of the time I had never seen the patient. sometimes they bring to me papers of some investingations their father or relative has undergone for backpain or soemething, they never trust the doctor they are going to for their treatment. They expect me to point out them some grave mistake or gross exploitation. Most of the time I say don’t know anything and they look at me as if I’m the member of some gang conspiring against them. I have come to realize that being a medical student u should be careful about what ur talking coz people r listening, they even take some offhand remarks which u even don’t remember making very seriously.

It feels nice to have people ask u something about they don’t know anything. I find myself proud about my medical knowledge. But all that pride comes crashing when my father ask me to explain pathogenesis of some disease. I like avoid him when he is in discussion anything related to Medicine … I feel ashamed of my inadequate knowledge … my father never pointed out to me my shortcomings … he never scolded me but it hurts more… sometimes when he remarks about the quality of medical education going down, I know whom he is talking about. I often go missing around the time when he is ready to leave for clinic.

My sister keeps telling me that I have become very selfish and arrogant. She even alleged that I look down at her since she is just a dental student….. I don’t know why she feels that way coz I didn’t ever do anything with that intention.

My mother has become even more doteful … sometime it gets very annoying. She never praised me openly but I can see the pride with which she mentions me to her friends and relatives. I sometimes afraid to make an eye contact with her coz I know I’m not worthy of it.

Relatives with gals of soon to be marriageable age, whom with I have never gone beyond exachanging the token pleasentaries have become even more attentive to me. always eager to have a word or two with me . People come up to talk with me when I’m buying some grocery. I even noted that the Ice cream parlour guys even knows my name and what I do.

Sometimes a neighbourhood uncle comes to visit us with his teenage son who had just passed out of school to seek my guidance for medical entrance exams. I ask the boy whether he really wants to join a medical college, he hesistantly says yes after looking at his father. I smile but I know I’m not smiling at him ,……..

Has ur perception of medical education or for that matter Medicine has changed over the years? Has medical college turned out as u had expected? Is this the thing u always wanted to do? Given the chance what would u like to change about it?......................................
Am I cracking up??.............

I’m not wearing
A washed ironed shirt
Short combed hairs with central parting
Clean nails
Polished shoes
I don’t lead
The college cricket team
Nor the
Class in marks
Sorry dad,
I’m not
Your little boy anymore
I’m not pet
Of my teachers
I don’t care
Even if she remembers
My name
I do bunk classes
Ask a friend for proxy
Slip cheats in exams
And barely get passed
I make passes at gals
Blow a shrill whistle
Their complains r
In vain
Sorry mom
I’m not your Bokya
I don’t have outstretched hands
And an offer in my pocket
For a rakhi
I forget to
Call u
On ur b’days
Don’t care to attend
When u call on mine
Sorry sis
I’m not ur
Sweet bro
All that playing
A good one is driving
Me insane
I’ve ceased
To be myself.

The days pass by
Filling the void
Of my past
Future unravelling
Into present
Present transforming
In past
Dreams were seen
A beatiful thing to come
Challeges and choices
Were faced everyday
Have they become
Missed opportunities?
And left regrets of road not taken
I start to wonder
Why time passes in one direction
Sick of this mindless wander
I seek a guide of this dismay
Hope then was a mid day sun
Symbolising the promising future
Startled I notice
It has become a lonely fading star
Were we not the prodigies
The torch bearers………..
Why r we dumb founded now
We started the rain
Give me a chance
To break this jinx
Correct wrong choices
Say the unsaid words
Grab the missed opportunities
I want
To make right ones now
Just try once more
Unfill that void
Wipe my slate clean
All I need is a second chance…..

Note: original post and discussion at http://www.rxpgonline.com/postt36287.html

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